Friday, September 23, 2016

7 Fun Things to do on your Back

If you clicked because you thought I'd be telling you cool sex stuff, HAHA gotcha! Nah, I'm not trying to fool anybody. The truth is that my girlfriend and my cousin are about to undergo cornea transplants. For days afterwards they're going to have to lie flat, otherwise their eyes will fall out or something. I'm not 100% clear on the details.

(To be absolutely clear, my girlfriend and my cousin are two different people. I'm not dating my cousin. It's not like a wrote a lesbian erotica story called Pretty Cousin because I've got some kind of weird forbidden crush on her or anything.)

Anyhoo, the idea of people I love going under the knife is making me nervous so I'm channeling that energy into practical ideas. How bored would you get if you had to lie on your back for days just staring at the ceiling? Maybe you're doing exactly that right now and that's why you're exploring this post--you're searching for stuff you can do without using your eyes.

Well, here it is: my list of fun stuff to do on your back. I'll leave out the obvious (hopefully you can figure that out for yourself) but I will mention that I'm focusing on free options, relying on you having access to a library system, and focusing on Canadian content because I live in Canada, and so do my girlfriend and cousin.

1. Audiobooks.

My girlfriend's been reading audiobooks for years, even before her eyesight started deteriorating, so this point was the first that came to mind. She gets them from the library on CDs, but check out your library's website. You probably have access to audiobooks you can digitally download.

Alternatively, you can try out a 30-day free trial at Audible or purchase audiobooks or get them... I don't know where, exactly. I'm not a connoisseur. Every time I try to listen to an audiobook I just totally tune out. But, as I say, my girlfriend LOVES them so that's why Audiobooks are #1 on this list.

2. Podcasts

I wish I had a hundred million podcasts to recommend to you, but there are only a few I listen to with any frequency and they're all writing and publishing related. I'm sure there are a hundred million out there, so run a search. Find an established one that suits your interests and BINGE BINGE BINGE!

On the off-chance you, too, are an author, entrepreneur or author-entrepreneur (authorpreneur? Is that a thing people say?), I'll give you the inside scoop. Here are the podcasts I listen to:

The Creative Penn (highly recommended!)
Rocking Self-Publishing
The Worried Writer
It's a Mystery Podcast


3. Accessible Media/Described Video

This one is an especially Canadian recommendation. AMI-tv is a television channel available through every digital cable package in Canada (trust me--I have the most basic cable package in existence and I get). Every show on AMI is broadcast with described video.

What's described video? Okay, so try watching a movie or a TV show with your eyes closed. When there's a bunch of dialogue you can probably follow what's going on. What about when no one's talking?  How do you know what's going on? That's where described video comes in: a voiceover tells you what's happening, so you don't have to be able to SEE the television to follow the show.

AMI also creates a lot of original programming that's particularly relevant to its blind and low vision viewership. My favourite is Four Senses, a cooking show co-hosted by Christine Ha. In addition to the English TV channel, there's also AMI-télé which broadcasts in French with described video and also produces its own original content.

There's a third channel, AMI-audio, which is audio-only:

Daily, a team of professional narrators present feature articles from top Canadian and international magazines and hourly information updates. AMI-audio also produces a variety of original programs covering historical and current events, technology, entertainment and more. On February 1, 2016 AMI-audio launched Live from Studio 5, its first ever live studio morning show. AMI-audio original content is also available through satellite radio and as podcasts.

I watch the AMI French and English TV channels a lot, and one thing I really love about them is you start to feel a sense of community. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I need more friends.

p.s. I should mention that if a TV show is available with described video on another Canadian network (and if DV is available that should be announced before the show starts), you can enable your TV to talk at you the same way you can turn Closed Captioning on and off. To be totally honest with you, I've tried to do this on multiple occasions and it's never worked, so thank goodness for AMI.

p.p.s. If you don't have a TV and/or you do most of your media consumption via Netflix, I noticed the other day that when I scrolled all the way to the bottom of my Netflix screen there was a thingy that said "Audio Description." Sure enough, it took me to a browse screen of shows and movies available with audio description enabled!

4. Radio

Hey, you know what still exists? Radio! Some of it plays songs at you and some of it is talking... just like podcasts. In fact, you can listen to a lot of radio shows online now! I'm going all-in on the Canadiana today, because I'm sending you down CBC way.  I particularly like a show about the advertising industry called Under the Influence.

Again, the alternative to looking for this stuff on the internet would be to turn on a radio. If you own one.

5. Comedy Albums

Remember comedy albums? Me neither because I wasn't alive in the 70s!

Here's how I came to realize comedy albums are still a thing: my public library system gives me access to this great digital service called Hoopla. I stream music there (mainly Lana Del Rey--one of these days I'm really going to have to purchase Born to Die) but one time I started browsing, just to see what else was available. I came upon this category: Comedy Albums.

Comedy Albums? Is that still a thing?  I thought of Cheech and Chong, Steve Martin, George Carlin--and yes, their classic albums are still available--but alongside those are albums from contemporary comedians: Aziz Ansari, Amy Schumer, Jim Gaffigan... I'd have to list every comedian you've ever heard of and then a bunch you've never heard of. There are so many!

Let's get ready to laugh!

6. Radio Dramas

Having been born after the time of comedy albums (or so I thought), I was also born after the day of radio dramas.

Or so I thought.

Then one day I took a tour of the CBC building here in Toronto and they showed us their radio drama recording studio. It was the coolest set-up, because part of it looked like the kind of TV set you'd see on a sitcom. There was a kitchen set up so the voice actors could physically act out emptying the dishwasher and closing cupboards. There were stairs to walk up and down. There were pads containing things like gravel or twigs to mimic the sound of walking outside.  The way I'd always pictured a radio drama setup was... remember that episode of Frasier where they do that murder mystery radio drama? But the one at the CBC was surprisingly large.

So yes, Virginia, radio dramas still exist! I found a bunch of them listed on Hoopla (again, through my library system), including Doctor Who radio dramas. With a quick Google search I've found you a bunch of them produced by the BBC and CBS Radio Mystery Theater.

7. Language Learning Albums

We're going old-school one more time with the idea of language learning disks. I use a program called Mango but you need to look at a screen for that. If you're flat on your back and you can't do screen-related stuff, go back in time--back to the 80s and those language learning cassette tapes. Perfect time to bring them out again. The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me was to learn French, although it wasn't my girlfriend who made that gesture. Wasn't my cousin either. heh.

I'll mention Hoopla yet again, because that's where I saw language learning albums listed as digital downloads. See what your library systems has got for you. If you've never explored digital download services provided to you free through your public library, now's the time!

If you need to spend time on your back, might as well enjoy it!

Giselle Renarde is an award-winning queer Canadian writer. Nominated Toronto’s Best Author in NOW Magazine’s 2015 Readers’ Choice Awards, her fiction has appeared in well over 100 short story anthologies. Giselle's juicy novels include Anonymous, Cherry, Seven Kisses, and The Other Side of Ruth.

Monday, August 29, 2016

FREE #Erotica Novel: Get ANONYMOUS Today!

I want you to know how much I appreciate you.

Last month, during Smashwords' huge July sale, you kick-ass readers bought more than a thousand copies of my books from that site alone. Sure the vast majority of those "sales" were of books discounted to FREE, but I'll give you a bit of context: I set up my Smashwords account in the autumn of 2013. At the end of June 2016 I hit that magical number: 1,000 sales.

In July of 2016, you guys downloaded ANOTHER 1,000+ books. In ONE MONTH.

Thank you!!!

To show my appreciation, I'm giving you more FREE. My erotic novel ANONYMOUS just came out of KU, and I've uploaded it to most vendors for nuthin! Zero dollars, zero cents.

What kind of wife dreams of watching her husband with another man? A wife like Hannah. For years, she and Nathaniel have fantasized about bringing a third into the bedroom. Someone… ANONYMOUS. But will one night with a hired hand satisfy their desires, or will Hannah become obsessed with discovering the true identity of Mr. Anonymous?

This offer won't last forever, so grab your copy of ANONYMOUS today from one of the following retailers:

All Romance Ebooks:

Thursday, August 25, 2016

New #Erotica! The Secret Life of Sitters

This one goes out to all you pervy people!

I've written all kinds of erotica in my time, but the book I'm telling you about today is the smutty stuff. The Secret Life of Sitters contains six erotic stories of barely-legal babysitters getting their cherries popped by hot mammas, sexy daddies, and even each other.

What's my contribution to this collection? Two brand new, never-before-published erotic stories of the lesbian variety. SITTING FOR CYNTHIA is a story about a sexy single MILF coming home from a lousy date. Maybe the lesbian babysitter can turn this night around?

My second story, SITTING TOGETHER, is an unexpected love story about a pair of lesbian coworkers. See, Silken's got her sights set on Brenda while Brenda's got a crush on Dee, but Dee's only got eyes for her ex-husband. Brenda's such a pushover that she's been babysitting Dee's kids every night while Dee goes gallivanting with her ex. Silken can't convince Brenda to sprout a spine, but if you can't beat 'em you might as well join 'em!

In addition to my two tales, you've got car sex in Lexi Wood's DRIVING THE SITTER and also new fiction from Lexi, about outdoor sex when a frustrated father brings his nanny on vacation. But that's not all--there's rough sex, voyeurism and plenty more from new voice Kendra Edge.

Trust me: you will not be disappointed with this collection, especially when you consider that the introductory price is only $2.99! That's six stories for the price of one!

At the moment, you can grab the ebook from the following vendors:

All Romance Ebooks:

If you prefer a paperback, check out these links:
In Print at Amazon:
In Print at BN:

Coming soon to more retailers!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Old Friends

Willsin Rowe started writing erotica the same year as me (pussies and dicks since 2006!) and we met through eXcessica Publishing in... I'm going to say 2008. Sounds about right. We're both contributors at Oh Get A Grip!, a blog where aging writers natter at each other (kidding!) and he's a great guy (not kidding!). I can't think of anything negative to say about him, so he must be.

In addition to being a great guy, he's also a really amazing cover designer. If you're an author in search of a cover, I'm just going to go ahead and recommend him to you. There. Done. I've recommended him and I can't take it back.

He's got a few premade covers up for sale at and he says he's going to add more soon. He's also got his contact information on that page if you want to get in touch with him about custom cover art.

Don't be afraid. He won't bite. We're talking really nice guy. Use him:

Monday, July 18, 2016

Did you miss me? (And the big Smashwords sale I forgot to mention...)

I missed you.

That sounds like something cheesy a rock star would say (“I’m nothing without my fans!”), but the truth is that when I’m away from the internet, I miss sharing my life via blog posts and twitter. I miss interactions with my fellow authors. I miss YOU.

I was at the cottage with my fambly last week, which got me thinking about a book I published a couple years ago: A WEEK IN THE WOODS WITH FAMILY. I regret to inform you that it's not taboo incest erotica. So sorry. In fact, it's not erotica at all. It consists of a series of correspondences I penned to my girlfriend while I was away on a family vacation.

Throughout the month of July, you can get A WEEK IN THE WOODS WITH FAMILY absolutely FREE at Smashwords using coupon code SFREE. If you enjoy a good behind-the-scenes look at an author's life, this is the book for you:

I thought I'd already blogged about Smashwords' big July sale, but turns out I haven't. I scheduled a bunch of tweets about it--that's what I did. My mind is muddled from all that clean cottage air.

So, pretty much my entire catalogue is on sale right now. You get discounts by using coupon codes. The coupon codes are listed on each book's page, on the right-hand side of the screen, under the buy/add to library/give as gift buttons.

I'll call your attention especially to BISEXUAL BEACH READS, which is 50% off with coupon code SSW50: 

That's a really good deal for 6 erotic novels and novellas in one collection.

You can scroll though my books and Lexi's here: but the sucky thing is that sale prices don't show on that list. You have to actually click onto each book individually to see which coupon is in effect. But it's Monday afternoon and, if you've got a boring job (or you're a master procrastinator like me), you might just have some time to waste.

So yeah. Waste some time with me:

p.s. i love you

Friday, July 1, 2016

Top Ten Awesome Canadian Indie Albums to Listen to this Canada Day

Hello, all you wonderful people!

I woke up this morning thinking, "Hey, it's statutory holiday. I should take the day off!" haha juuuuust kidding. Most people who are self-employed will tell you the calendar doesn't dictate days off.

No, what I really woke up thinking was, "Hey, it's Canada Day. I should do a blog post about my Canadian books!" One could argue that all my books are Canadian, by virtue of my being Canadian, but some books are more Canadian than others.

But you know what? I'm tired of talking about my books. Last night I was chatting with Sweet about how I've failed (as a business) to capitalize on Pride Month. I am a queer author. I'm in the perfect position to be like "rah rah Pride, buy my books!" but you know what? Every business does that now. Sweet said I should consider it a good thing when I see rainbows in every storefront, because it's spreading awareness (even if those rainbows are just there to pad the bottom line).

I'm too cynical for my own good.

Okay, so I went off on a bit of a tangent there. Let's rope me in and get back to Canada Day. If you're really interested in reading books of mine that are especially Canadian (in setting as well as tone), I would recommend The Other Side of Ruth or Anonymous

However, I want to focus on Canadian music today. I've heard readers say that a book has saved their life. A book has never saved my life, but music has on many occasions. When I have a little extra money to spare, you know what I buy? Okay, cheese. But aside from cheese: music and art.

And there's so much great Canadian Indie music out there. I made a list, off the top of my head, of albums I love and listen to frequently. This is by no means a scientific top ten list. Anything that comes directly from my brain has little bearing on reality.

So, here we go! In no particular order, because this is not a real top ten list...

Tanya Tagaq
I have a funny story about Tagaq, who is a kick-ass Inuit throat-singer: my aunt went to see her perform last year, largely on my recommendation (because a Tagaq performance is a life-changing experience), and she came back kind of in shock because there's legitimately no way to prepare yourself for Tagaq's brand of gritty, nasty gorgeousness. Sometimes you're like, "Am I watching someone have a really intense orgasm or give birth to a planet?" And the answer is BOTH. Tagaq's albums are spectacular, but nothing beats seeing her live. I especially recommend her reclamation of Nanook of the North. It's a feat of endurance like you wouldn't believe.

Cold Specks
This is an artist who actually reminds me of one of my sisters, and here's why: when Cold Specks started singing professionally, she did not tell her family. They found out she'd released a record when her sister went to the movies and the album was advertised on screen. Busted!
I'm eagerly awaiting her next release, which will focus on her Somali roots.

Mother Mother
I can't get enough of this group. I own three of their albums and three is not enough. I listen to them ALL THE TIME. Like if you see me on the bus and I've got headphones in, there's a 90% chance I'm listening to Mother Mother.

Owen Pallett
Heartland is more an experience than an album. It's like listening to an opera. I don't mean that in an off-putting way. A lot of people aren't into opera, I know. I'm not saying it SOUNDS like an opera, necessarily, although the orchestration is mind-blowing... oh, just give it a listen.

Rufus Wainwright
Does he count as indie? Probably not. I don't care. It's my list and I'll do what I want to. Rufus is like candy. You can't listen to just one song. You want another and another, until you're on this sugar high you can't come down from. Here's another singer you want to see in concert, because he's such a diva and such a ditz, and his voice is so spectacular you'll wonder if he's really human or if he's got a bionic harp in his throat.

You'll notice I've given you a video instead of an album cover for k-os. That because... do you ever watch a music video and go, "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"  Someone had an artistic vision that had nothing to do with the song itself. That's annoying, and that's NOT the case with k-os's videos. For me, they always build on my understanding of the song. (btw I only found out what a crab bucket was a couple weeks ago. Apparently if you put crabs in a bucket, if one crab tries to escape the other crabs will pull it back down. If I can't escape, no one can.)

Chilly Gonzales
Gorgeous piano music from an eccentric dude. I think he broke a Guinness World Record by playing piano for 24 hours straight? Guess I could look that up, but it's a holiday and I'm feeling pretty lazy.

I just like 'em.

Speaking of opera, the singer you're going to hear on this album (whose name I don't remember off the top of my head) is a classically-trained opera singer. I think she even went to my Alma Mater, the University of Toronto, but I could be making that up. Atmospheric sounds, here. Coooool.

A Tribe Called Red
I leave you with this new single, Stadium Pow-Wow, from A Tribe Called Red. The video was just released a couple weeks ago. Enjoy!

Thursday, June 30, 2016

It's the only book you'll need this summer!

Bisexual Beach Reads
6 Sizzling Summertime Novels and Novellas

Get ready for an unforgettable summer! With this collection of sizzling bisexual novels and novellas by award-winning queer Canadian author Giselle Renarde, you’re in for some seriously hot nights. Nothing beats a beach vacation with a side order of seduction, so get ready for six spicy tales of longing, lust, and fearless love. From fun-filled romps to dark desires, from love triangles to blissful romance, you’ll find it all in Bisexual Beach Reads!

Included in this collection: Cherry, Callie and the College Boys, Seven Kisses, The Birthday Gift, Ondine, and Forbidden Folk.

There are oh so many places to buy this book as an ebook and in print, so have at it!


All Romance Ebooks:

Google Play:

Enjoy your summer! Thanks for reading!